


quarantine required

by lazulisong



Series: HAIRBALLER [23]
Category: Founder of Diabolism
Genre: Animal Transformation, Gen, M/M, cat fic, happy birthday dear meeee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 05:12:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazulisong/pseuds/lazulisong
Summary: Jiang Cheng receives an urgent summons from the Cloud Recesses and Is Not Happy about it. For one thing, he's been putting up with Lan Wangji marrying his brother SPECIFICALLY because he thought Lan Wangji could at least keep Wei Ying under control.





	quarantine required

**Author's Note:**

> a hobbit birthday fic! for you! on my 40th birthday! it's very terrible but I've given up caring. =3=

Jiang Cheng got the bird messenger from the Cloud Recesses and -- well, he doesn't rush, exactly, but he's there as soon as he can manage it. Lan Xichen wouldn't send him a message about Wei Wuxian if he could avoid it -- and forget Lan Wangji asking Jiang Cheng anything. They don't hate each other exactly, but Wei Ying is their only link and they're neither of them willing to make it a strong one. Lan Wanji's too jealous of Wei Wuxian's attention and Jiang Cheng can't make himself fight for something that was his for so long, and has gone so completely. 

"Where's that idiot," said Jiang Cheng, as soon as he came in. "What's he done this time? I suppose you need help paying for the damages." 

Lan Xichen sighed deeply.

"What happened," said Jiang Cheng. 

Before Lan Xichen can answer, a rabbit hopped into the room. It's cute enough, as rabbits go. It looks from Lan Xichen to Jiang Cheng, and then, to Jiang Cheng's surprise, hopped quickly over to him and thumped its hind foot urgently. It hopped a few feet away from him, looked back, and thumped again.

Jiang Cheng had a very bad feeling about this -- not to mention the beginning of a migraine. "Where's --" my brother, he didn't say "-- Wei Wuxian?"

A yell comes from the open door, and a black steak clawed its way up Lan Xichen's pristine robes and landed on his shoulders. "AAAAAWAUUUUUGH," it said to Lan Xichen, disapproving.

Lan Xichen, heaven knew how, didn't flinch.

Jiang Cheng stared at the black cat for a minute, and then said, "Are you kidding me?"

"If only I were," sighed Lan Xichen.

The cat yelled at Lan Xichen again, like it's offended, which it probably was. Then it slapped Lan Xichen -- without claws, but hard enough that Lan Xichen winced.

"You dumbfuck," said Jiang Cheng. "I already had transformation sickness."

The cat stared at him for a second, and then kicked off Lan Xichen's shoulder and scrabbled to a landing on Jiang Cheng's shoulder. It said, "WAAAGUGGGGHHHH" and then smeared its head ecstatically against Jiang Chen's hair and cheek, knocking his headpiece askew and sliming him generously with cat drool and snot.

"Why are you like this?" said Jiang Cheng, "do you think I want people to think you were raised at the Lotus Piers?" and then, "Where is your husband?" 

"Wauu," said Wei Ying, his ears folding back a little. Jiang Cheng frowned.

"When did you have it?" said Lan Xichen.

"Just before Father brought Wei Ying to live with us," said Jiang Cheng. He barely remembered it himself -- just a lovely sensation of warmth and comfort, being frightened at first and then carried in Mother's bosom as a puppy. Even Father had seemed to think he was cute. 

Then of course, Wei Ying showed up and everything was terrible, but Jiang Cheng wasn't going to think about it. "Where's Lan Wangji?" Jiang Cheng wasn't worried, exactly -- but knowing his foster brother and knowing Lan Wangji, it was plenty fucking weird that he wasn't around. Lan Wangji got nervous when Wei Wuxian was more than ten feet away from him even as a human; if Wei Wuxian was a cat he ought to be riding Lan Wangji and yakking at the top of his lungs at _him_ , not trying to knock Jiang Cheng's headpiece off again. 

Lan Xichen looked awkward.

Jiang Cheng looked down at the bunny. The bunny looked up at him.

"That --" began Jiang Cheng, in horror.

"No, no, no, by Heaven I wish it were," said Lan Xichen. His face looked exceptionally bleak, which Jiang Cheng supposed made sense when you considered all the time he was forced to be around Wei Wuxian. He turned to the door and said, "You might as well come out here."

A long and somehow extremely forlorn dog's nose poked out from behind the door. It advanced cautiously and seemed to want to come in, but froze miserably in place when Wei Wuxian noticed it and hissed in panic, scrabbling down Jiang Cheng's shoulder and somehow digging into his robes, where soon all that could be seen of him was a trembling and miserable lump in Jiang Cheng's robes.

The dog slinked further in. Every inch of its long body screamed of woe, from its drooping ears to its tucked up tail.

Jiang Cheng counted to ten.

It didn't help.

Jiang Cheng said, "I'll be taking my leave now," as coldly and politely as he could manage with a trembling cat stuffed down his front. "Lan Xichen, Lan Zhan, take care of yourself."

The rabbit sat up and thumped again, urgently. It hopped up to Jiang Cheng, and then over to Lan Wangji, thumped again, and then came back over to Jiang Cheng and thumped. 

Jiang Cheng said, "Is that -- "

"Lan Shizhui," said Lan Xichen. "Yes. I'm afraid so." 

Jiang Cheng didn't know why he was always expected to do everything ever. But if he left Lan Shizhui behind, not only would would Wei Ying act like he'd left his actual child behind to be eaten by corpses, Jin Ling would throw a giant fit. He bent down and picked up Lan Shizhui, stuffing him down his robes with Wei Wuxian, and marched past the Lan brothers, mustering every piece of dignity he could manage.

Not much, with Lan Shizhui and Wei Wuxian wriggling around, but enough.

He turned around and gave his brother's husband and brother-in-law one last cold look. "You can come find them when Hanguang-jun recovers," he said.

Lan Wangji whimpered, but Jiang Cheng hardened his heart. He marched out like he wasn't holding his robes in position around a bulge of rabbit and cat, and kept his face absolutely blank until he left the Cloud Recesses.

"Don't think we won't talk about what kind of trouble you're causing," he says.

Wei Ying poked his head out and chirped. He even essayed a purr, but Jiang Cheng knew his tricks. "Suppose Lan Wangji panics and tries to divorce you for returning home," said Jiang Cheng. "Suppose --"

Wei Wuxian's ears went flat with alarm.

"I was KIDDING," said Jiang Cheng. He sighed. "I can't believe your parents didn't expose you when you were young. I can't believe Lan Shizhui's parents didn't --" 

Wei Wuxian looked even guiltier, if possible.

Jiang Cheng added it to the long list of things he's going to nag his brother about. It was no good to yell at a cat though, so he said, "I suppose you're going to want fish when we get back to the Lotus Piers."

Wei Ying's ears swiveled up.

"Chili pepper isn't good for cats," he added, meanly. He's going to eat _shu zhu yu_ in front of him and enjoy every bite while Wei Ying cries about. it. He's going to chew on chili peppers and to hell with his stomach.

It was worth it to listen to Wei Ying complain the entire way back, though.

**Author's Note:**

> https://thewoksoflife.com/2017/02/sichuan-boiled-fish-shui-zhu-yu/ ← thanks to holly for recommending this to me although my whiteass tastebuds would never be able to handle it. I'm definitely in the Lan Wangji school of spicy tolerance lmaooooooooooo I always add like, an eighth of a teaspoon of chili oil and then I'm like IS THIS TOO MUCH????


End file.
